I think this is the one subject in my life that I have blocked out the most. Ironically, it is the very thing that ended my 15 year marriage. My first memory of my ex using drugs was when we were dating. I had never tried any drugs and he had some pot. So, I tried it. And yes I inhaled! I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I guess I just like to be in the present and in control of myself and not in the other world that drugs put you in. I guess that is the difference in those that continue to use and those that don’t. Those that need drugs and alcohol can’t deal with life and need to escape. At least that is what I observed from my ex husband.
I’m not sure at what point things got worse, but they did. We had a son at this point and for some reason in the middle of this I thought it would be a good idea to have another child. So we did and things got even worse. When he didn’t have pot he drank. When he drank he was very controlling and verbally abusive. He would keep me up all night and if I tried to go to bed he would threaten to wake up the kids. At one point our new baby was crying and he wouldn’t let me get her. He would yell and I was afraid he would wake up our son. I finally decided to get the baby anyway because she was hungry, but he verbally abused me the whole time I fed her. I think I put up with the pot as long as I did because unlike the alcohol, he was a much nicer person on it. Well, when our daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor I knew things had to change. I had basically no help from him at all and she needed constant care. He was always high or drunk.
One day a friend of mine from church came by to see my daughter and see how I was doing. After talking for a little while I started telling her about my situation. At that very moment my husband was in the back room drunk. She said to get my stuff and to come stay with her. I’m not sure how I managed it, but I grabbed the kids, some clothes, the playpen and baby swing and walked out the door. The minute I walked out that door I finally felt free.
The next few days I received harassing phone calls, but I still felt safer than I had felt in a long time. He even came to the door a couple of times, but after we threatened to call the police he left. I lost track of the times I had to call the police in the years we were together.
Jumping ahead a couple of months the friend I was staying with was having her own marital problems, so I needed to find somewhere else to stay. I didn’t have a job and started to think that leaving had been a mistake because I couldn’t do this alone. I ran in to an old friend from high school at church and we ended up talking again and I moved in with her and her son. About 6 months later I decided to get back together with my husband after he made a bunch of promises and actually got a job. Things were actually good for a while, but then when my daughter turned 3 she took a turn for the worst and it all started up again. My daughter was put on Lorazepam, which is basically a sedative. Well, apparently my husband thought he needed it more than she did and started using it! It had to be refrigerated since it was liquid, so that made it hard to hide it. At one point I had to tell the doctor because since it was a controlled substance and it kept disappearing I couldn’t keep saying I spilled it! He gave me the pill version, so I then had to crush it and put it in water to give to my daughter through her g-tube in her stomach since she couldn’t swallow it. He ended up finding it sometimes, so I had to keep switching places.
You are probably wondering why the heck I stayed through this. Well, I was unable to work because I had to take care of my daughter full time. When you have to depend on other people to support you it is very hard and I just didn’t want to do that to anyone anymore. I felt like it was my problem and I had to deal with it. For a long time I didn’t even tell anyone, but I finally couldn’t keep it to myself and needed some support. I really felt helpless.
Long story short, there were several more drugs that my husband would abuse. All were legal, but not taken legally. I found out later that he had taken the kids in with him to steal cough syrup several times. He was even caught once, but that didn’t stop him for long. Thank goodness the kids weren’t with him that time. There were times when he would go for months and not take anything and I guess I would always get my hopes up that this was the last time. I wanted to have another child because there was a good chance that our daughter was not going to make it through her illness and I didn’t want my son to be alone. We ended up having another daughter.
Five years after she was diagnosed our little girl was losing her battle with the brain tumor and we had to put her on hospice. She was put on morphine for pain and you can probably guess where this is going to go. One day the morphine wasn’t working and I noticed that its color looked lighter than usual. My heart sank when I realized that my husband had been taking her morphine and adding water, so that I wouldn’t notice. How could anyone watch a child suffer like that? My mind could not comprehend it. How long had he been doing this? How many times was she in pain and I didn’t realize it. We brought these children into this world and our jobs were to protect them from harm as much as we could. The addict has to be the most selfish being on the earth. Their addiction is the most important thing and that unfortunately includes their wife, their children and the good life they could have had with both had they not gone down that path they chose. I do understand that it is an illness, but when you have a father that died that way as my husband did, you have to make a mental decision which path you will choose and that he did.
Our daughter died that May and November of the next year I left my husband for good. Although I took that first step it still took me three more years to give up completely and divorced him. I moved in with my aunt and uncle, who had been like parents to me. I got a job and moved out on my own 4 months later. I do my best to raise my children in a good environment and help them make good decisions now and for their future. They don’t see their dad much and I don’t get any help from him, but we are happy and my kids know that I do my best. I know that people wonder why I didn’t leave a long time ago and I really can’t completely answer that other than I didn’t want to depend on other people and I kept thinking he would change. If you are thinking the same thing, please take my story and learn from it. People want to help you. Your friends and family will do whatever it takes to make you safe and you need to just take the help. He won’t change. Ever. There is nothing you did or can do to change that. There is a time that you can no longer try to fix him because in the mean time you are losing yourself. Get out there and have the life that God intended you to have and be happy. You deserve it and if you have children they definitely deserve it!
“You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living until the escape becomes the habit.”
~David Ryan
Al-non and Alateen – http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
